It started near Mother’s Day. Mothering had become beyond stressful navigating ridiculous tantrums, limited help at the time, struggling with coparenting and heavy financial issues. It was the first time I experienced a decent period of depression.
Read MoreMy husband and I thought we had everything figured out and it was time to bring a baby into our lives, but it didn’t happen when we wanted
Read MoreBefore getting pregnant and having children, I always thought I knew what kind of mom I would be. How my pregnancy and delivery would go. How smart and well behaved my kids would be. How clean I would keep my house. I may even have silently judged other moms, as if I knew anything about parenting. I was going to be the mom who kept it all together. #MomGoals.
Everything we see tells us that Moms are supposed to be the glue that holds everything together, rarely highlighting that Moms struggle too. Fast forward to the present and I realize how unrealistic and honestly unhealthy those expectations really are. I fall short daily and I have to be ok with that. Nothing has gone “as planned”:
My Birth Plan went out the window when both of my children were born via C-Section due to complications with my cervix.
After the second I was told having a third child is high risk for me - insert feelings of inadequacy...something that is supposed to be natural and my body is “made to do” is not so natural in my case. (Black maternal mortality rate is at an all time high might I add)
Those snap back goals that I see everywhere are not my reality at all. That “just go to the gym or workout at home” advice people give me isn’t as realistic for me as it might be for others...insert feelings of body insecurity, intimacy issues and depression.
Postpartum depression is real. Something no one talks about when discussing having children. They only tell you about the joy, but not how to handle the other rollercoaster of emotions you may feel, which is why it’s natural instinct to hide/ignore them. Body insecurity, feeling unprepared/inadequate as a mom, extreme exhaustion, loss of self... And honestly it’s hard to be vulnerable and let those around me see that most days I’m holding on for dear life.
Not to be dramatic, but it gets real! Balancing life with children. It’s all a balancing act and it’s ok to not get it right all the time. I still struggle with being ok with that.
Here’s how I’m trying to do it:
Faith/Prayer/Fellowship - This is one that I believe is so important for myself. I stopped going to church for a while and I saw the difference! Since going back I feel like I’m coming out of a slump.
Talk About it - Very difficult for me. Not so much because I want to pretend like it doesn’t exist, but I am just so grateful for my husband/children that I feel guilty when I feel negatively about anything. I chose to be a wife/mom and it’s the best choice I have ever made. However, wanting/needing a break from parenting is NOT SELFISH! Feeling your feelings is nothing to be ashamed of.
Extend your village - It’s scary to leave your kids with anyone and finding a trusted babysitter has been a mountain I have yet to climb. Living in a different state than family and friends for us has meant our village is not close by. It also means breaks for “self care”, date nights or extended time without children are few and far between. My oldest is 3.5 and my family/close friends will tell you I rarely leave my kids unless it’s with family and even then I’m constantly checking in. A friend of mine offered recently to watch the boys so that I could get a date night with the husband. It went amazingly well and made me realize we NEED A BABYSITTER! even though it took me almost 4 years...We are here!
Don’t compare yourself to others - In a world full of imperfect people portraying a perfect image it’s easy to be hard on yourself. In reality everyone is fighting their own battles and coping with their own struggles. We are all just doing our best!
I had to stop taking some things personal, especially when it comes to being a mom. No one else can understand where I’m coming from, but that doesn’t mean they don’t have something to add to the conversation. Instead of expecting them to “get it” (they won’t ever get it completely because it’s my own feelings) I’m just thankful to have people who care enough to ask or listen in the first place.
Lastly I’m trying not to lose myself in the shuffle. The little things I enjoyed before I was a mom, I have to find a way to make more time for them. *Refer back to #3* Use your village to make it happen!
Signed, A Mom Who Is OK Not Being #MomGoals
-Paris McPherson
