I've been really hard on myself

One of my friends told me that I need to slow down.

I have been running and running and running. Planning and running. I know social media makes it look easy, but honestly, IT’S NOT. It really is not y’all. I have my nights where I am feeling beyond discouraged, I want to quit, cancel everything and just stop. Then comes the morning after where I’m feeling beyond empowered and excited again.

I had to sit and have a convo about why that is. I’m taking in too much feedback—good, bad, otherwise and internalizing it. It becomes a race with myself to figure out the next thing to do. Ideas come into my head and I find myself writing them down and trying to figure out how to implement them. My vision for parenthood continues to seem further and further away from me sometimes. I’ve been letting Aiden watch too much TV, we’re not reading enough, we’re not practicing skills enough. These are the things that I’ve been telling myself—it’s not good.

I find myself questioning whether my event planning for the Pre-Mother’s Day Level Up Luncheon is taking away from Aiden. Although I know it’s not true (I do most of my work before he wakes up, after he goes to sleep or while he’s in the bath), I still question myself. It’s unnecessary pressure I’ve put on myself that has me doing away with self-care and leading to burnout.

And get this, I know better. I have this huge desire to make my event successful on the first try. If I don’t, how can I expect to get people to come out again next year? Right? Maybe not, but that’s what I continue to throw at myself.

Truthfully, I have not been kind to myself. I have not given myself space. I have not shown myself care. Sometimes I don’t believe in myself. Sometimes I don’t know what I’m doing and I tell myself I’m learning as I go/grow. I expect to have it all together because if I don’t, how can I share and advise you all? Yeah, right. That’s actually why I write. Because I go through it and I tell it.

So just so we’re clear. This is not easy. I don’t have it all together, but I’m learning. It’s stressful. It’s hard. It’s expensive. It’s going to come together and be the way I want it to. I’m going to have a good turnout. I KNOW MY VISION and why I’m doing this.

I have to practice what I preach in all of this and that’s self care. So tonight, I will intentionally go to bed after Aiden goes to sleep. Tomorrow morning, I will wake up at 5:00 AM (no later than 5:10) and do some yoga, my morning routine and drink some coffee before awakening Aiden to get him ready and head out. I am letting go of stress, frustration and focusing on what needs to be done, while being kind to myself.

Just take this as a lesson. Things are not always as they seem. Check on your strong friends and remind them to take the necessary breaks. Remind them that it will be okay and you see them grinding. But just know that it’s not easy.