A Self Care Sunday message to Single Mamas for Valentine's Day
/
I’m beginning to think that people think it is supposed to make you feel better when they say “it’s just another day” or “it’s not important.” Shoutout to those who are able to embrace that mentality with ease and can turn off whatever emotional reminder this day brings for some of us. However, to you, Valentine’s Day may be important. It was a man-made holiday created to represent and celebrate love. Just because that is the thought process of others, does not mean that it must apply to you. I can’t begin to tell you how many times I’ve had conversations with married friends (with kids) and friends in relationships with kids, who try to “make me feel better” around this time of year and fail without even knowing. I try not to say anything. I definitely try to avoid conversations about Valentine’s Day altogether, but the therapist in me knows that avoiding conversations like these does not help how you feel at all. Truth be told, it might not be easy for you and THAT IS OKAY.
Years ago, I truly struggled with Valentine’s Day. Before I had Aiden, it was really bad and particularly because I’ve spent so many Valentine’s Days alone. It served as a reminder that I was alone another year as the holiday passed along. The day came and went, but the images and mental notes of the flowers and candy amongst other thoughtful gifts remained embedded in my brain. It was a reminder of how I was feeling–lonely and lacking companionship. I was left thinking of yet another day without a partner and someone to share with. It highlighted my reality–I am still single. Mind you, these feelings were pre-motherhood. Sometimes I would cry leading up to the day. Sometimes I would stop talking to friends because I feared they would ask me if I had any plans. Needless to say, I was accustomed to being alone on Valentine’s Day, although it never got any easier. I can actually count on less than one hand how many Valentine’s Days I’ve spent in a relationship. So the holiday shouldn’t be important to me, right? It shouldn’t have a meaning? Wrong.
I desire companionship. I don’t want to spend “life” alone. Not to mention, who doesn’t like to be thought of? The sense of loneliness that you’ve worked so hard to cope with by focusing on self-love suddenly becomes intensely overwhelming and sometimes it brings about the ugliest of funks. Sometimes the day can serve as a reminder of the failed relationships–that’s often where I’ve stewed.
Although this post may sound like it, I can say I’m not bitter and I’m grateful for most of those relationships to have ceased. There are times though, that you can’t help but to want to share the time with someone–to celebrate. I’ll be even more transparent and say that I don’t even remember the last time I spent Valentine’s Day with anyone with the exception of Aiden’s father during Aiden’s first year. I don’t even want to talk about that because that memory isn’t actually a great one. So back to my point, Valentine’s Day for me has pretty much been non-existent.
It’s okay to feel whatever emotion comes to you on Valentine’s Day. Don’t let anybody tell you otherwise. It doesn’t matter how you came to be a single mom. What matters is that you acknowledge how you feel. I remember being sad leading up to Valentine’s Day 2018. Aiden was still 1 and I was single, single. That day was really emotional for me and I’m not sure if I even spoke about it. I remember being saddened by the thought of myself and Aiden’s father not working out and the thought even crossing my mind that maybe we should have continued to try. Even attempting to continue trying would have been one-sided though, so even that thought was unrealistic. Sometimes I think I’m a hopeless romantic, but one who never really experienced it. I remember thinking about how Aiden’s parents weren’t together and feeling disappointed because I was raised in a two-parent household. The thought of that really sucked.
The purpose of my explaining this is to highlight that, although I was previously bummed about Valentine’s Day for being lonely, the thought process has changed wholly. I want a cohesive family–that’s a fact. At this point, I want a cohesive, blended family, but a cohesive family nonetheless. As I write this post, I felt some tears begin to well up in my eyes and then I was reminded of how much I have grown over the past few years and how the relationships I had been in were truly not for me. There were so many things that I accepted that I should not have when I deserved more. Now, I decorate my house for Valentine’s Day and highlight the decorations for Aiden (this is something I do for every holiday, manmade or not). Even while purchasing the decorations I didn’t have any of the thoughts or emotions that have crept into my mind as I’m writing this post. Honestly, I’m proud with the fact that I’m even able to write about even a little of how I’ve felt about the day in the past. Maybe this year, it will just be another day–maybe not.
However you came to be a single mom, just know that you may experience some emotions that are difficult to process. You just need to allow yourself the time to heal. We already know that things don’t always go as planned, but at the same time you can take control of how you cope and what you do with and on this day. If you desire love and companionship again, manifest it–it will come, but you also have to put the work in. Sometimes for single moms, or even most times, that is not always easy. Dating is an entirely different story.
Here are some tips on how to get through any Valentine’s Day woes you may experience:
Allow yourself to feel whatever emotions surface for you. Your feelings are valid
Focus on your self-love and self-worth. Your value is not determined by this day
Focus your time and energy on you and your child
Plan an activity with your child: Bake a cake, cookies or brownie
Do a drop in class at your local Y or activity center
Unplug from social media if you won’t be able to manage through the posts
Pour into yourself with some self care
Take a bath
Read a book
Listen to a podcast
Do yoga
Meditate
Exercise
Have some wine
Eat some ice cream or
Milk & Cookies (my fave)
Do some reflection
Eventually it will be okay and you will heal like I believe I did, but you have to afford yourself the time
If you know a mother or someone who is in need of emotional support, while going through this time, please do not hesitate to contact me so I can connect and offer an unbiased listening ear.
Thanks for reading!
Please like, share and comment!