I seemed to have developed some form of social anxiety

It took me a while to pinpoint why and exactly when it was happening, but I finally think I was able to sort it out.  Over the past two weekends, I attended two ” Temple” events (when I say this, I mean a baby shower and a foundation kick-off event). I noticed that I was nervous, standoffish and even irritable at some point throughout each event. For almost two years I could not sort out the reason why. I recall last year having an entire crying episode, where I was frustrated around my line sisters along with other sorors and still could not clearly communicate what was going on with me.

Well, two weekends ago I was able to tune into the reason why. I notice that when I am around people from Temple, I am the recipient of repetitive questioning about ‘how Aiden’s doing,’ ‘how’s Aiden’s dad’ and ‘how are we coparenting.’ These questions have served as a trigger for me, especially at these events. Often when I’m present at an event with people from undergrad, Aiden is not with me. This is my time to reclaim my identity as a person outside of motherhood and I realized that I get bombarded with questions asking about parts of my life that are not that easy to speak about. Now, I personally don’t like small talk, but I know that’s the go-to for people who haven’t seen you in a while. However, I have become noticeably (to myself at least) avoidant of those conversations when I am out. I retreat to the table and sit alone or stand off to the side hoping that no one actually comes to speak to me and ask me any questions past how Aiden is doing. It’s overwhelming. If you have been following the blog, you’re somewhat aware of how things have been, although they are slowly improving.  Transitions take time.

It’s not to say that these topics are off limits, but honestly, when person after person ask the same question it gets to be a bit much. I was unaware of how tense I was walking into the situation, especially knowing that I’m really the only single mom in that particular circle. Naturally I hate for the attention to be placed on me and in those moments, I can’t figure out if the line of questioning is genuine or if they are just curious.  Either way, I have been uncomfortable and now I know why.  This revelation has brought about some sense of relief because I have truly been trying to sort this out for the past year. I plan to do some journaling and even some work with my therapist to determine what may be lying beneath.  I don’t know, but the first few reflections coming to mind may have to do with embarrassment, shame and sadness related to the current circumstances.

Anyway, it’s one of those things where you have to decide whether you say “things are good” just to keep the conversation from going there or you give a brief synopsis of the things they don’t know.  The questions are very specific. It rarely has been a simple “how are you?” To which I would say, I’m doing great and am working on building my brand, planning events and maximizing Aiden’s learning time in and outside of the childcare setting. I find myself questioning, do you really have the capacity to internalize what my real answers are to those questions? This past weekend and found myself holding back tears, while giving simple, yet telling answers to the questions I answered above. I even felt myself getting choked up a little bit, but quickly pulled myself back together.

If you’re wondering, social anxiety is defined as ‘the fear of being judged and evaluated negatively by other people, leading to feelings of inadequacy, inferiority, self-consciousness, embarrassment, humiliation, and depression’ (see how it’s connected to what was coming up for me?). Obviously, I’m not giving myself a clinical diagnosis–it would be unethical for me to do so. What I am doing is noticing a slight trend and a disruption in my functioning in this particular environment or at least when these questions come up. I can also say it is not isolated to the Temple crowd–it could be anyone who knew me pre-motherhood, who doesn’t speak to me regularly. Not to mention, now that I have a level of awareness, I can begin to unpack, uncover and cope better under these circumstances.

The healing that is necessary for a single mom is something that I am still working on in myself.

I hope that in reading this, you or another person finds this useful in recognizing what may be occurring for you.

Thank you for reading!
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