I don't love motherhood 100% of the time

To be honest, I don’t love motherhood 100% of the time. Probably an unpopular opinion or something you shouldn’t actually say, but it’s almost impossible to. This shit is hard and I’m not going to sit here and tell you that it’s not. This post is inspired by an IG post that a mom friend sent me (see her Mom Stories post: I’m Not #MomGoals here). On Sunday and Monday night this week, Aiden screamed bloody murder beginning at 12:00 AM midnight until around 2:00 or 3:00 AM. This is not the first time that it has happened. Actually, it has been happening 2 or 3 times per week for the past 3 weeks or so since Mother’s Day. Everything is not what it seems on social media and I keep trying to impress that point upon people. YESTERDAY, I WAS NOT OKAY!

Yesterday, I posted on my IG story: “Check on your mom friends with 2 and 3 year olds. We are not ok”. I think people thought I was joking. Y’all, I’ll have you know I was not. I was so upset with myself, feeling guilty, feeling fatigued, physically, mentally and emotionally exhausted and not enjoying motherhood at all. First and foremost, I DO NOT FUNCTION WELL TIRED. It’s not a thing for me. So when I only get 3 hours of interrupted sleep, I STRUGGLE. I’m miserable. I’m irritable. I’m unfocused. All of these things, while still trying to mother and trying to maintain being a dope mother is hard. Naturally, you want to do it all. You want to keep pushing. You want to make sure that your and your child’s needs are being met (ie. keeping him active, maintaining routine, etc.). I was TAPPED OUT.

Sunday we went to the beach, so I’m expecting that Aiden will be exhausted throughout the night. Of course, he didn’t nap there and fell asleep in the car on the way home. That’s fine because it was only an hour drive. When we got home, we went through the regular routine, including bath- and bedtime with lavender, books and all the works. Cue 12:15 AM and he was up, screaming and hollering something murderous. You would’ve thought I was beating him senseless. I live in an apartment building, so you can only imagine how horrified I was with the thought of what the neighbors were thinking.

Then we have night 2—Monday and it was the longest night ever. Lasting 3 hours, I was defeated. I found myself yelling, begging and pleading that he just go to sleep, stop crying and screaming himself. It was recipe for disaster. I tried everything. Tried to figure out if he was hungry. If there was something hurting him. Nothing. At one point I locked myself in my room, turned on rain sounds and prayed that he would just go to sleep. 12:15 to 2:45 is how long it lasted. Then he attempted to wake up at 4:30 AM. Can you imagine?

How do you keep pushing through when you have NOTHING left to give? Literally, I had nothing. But that’s not an option. You ask for help and hope that it comes. It didn’t, but what else am I to do. Single motherhood. Motherhood in general. The thing is though, who is going to take care of you when you go down? So I forced myself to leave work a period early (about an hour), just so I could get some things, at least one thing done around the house ALONE. I had to create time. It has been so hard navigating daily tasks around my toddler and doing so while tired. It creates feelings of resentment. Not towards Aiden, but towards being a single mom. I’ll let you infer what that actually means. That contributes to how I feel sometimes. Most of the time, I’m loving being a mom. You know, the moments when Aiden surprises me with new words and phrases and I have to sit back and say “where did you learn that?” Or the times when he is super affectionate and gives hugs at the most appropriate time. The times when he makes me laugh. The times when we are having fun and enjoying each other and creating new memories each and everyday. Those are the times when I LOVE motherhood. Believe me, those times outweigh any of the negative parts like constantly washing laundry because someone wet the bed or decided to pee on the floor. It drives me crazy. Yes, he’s a kid, but we’ve been through this and he’s been fully potty trained. The regression drives me crazy. I almost feel like he’s doing some of these things on purpose and for attention, but often not even for attention from me. It creates a sense of helplessness sometimes. Sometimes it feels like my toddler doesn’t like me and that sucks. Motherhood.

Moral of the story: Motherhood is HARD. There are going to be times where your household tasks are going to pile up and become unbearable. You’re going to be extremely tired. You’re feeling like you can’t get anything accomplished. Your kid is acting like a certified nut. You don’t want to be bothered. The list can go on. I’m here to tell you that, although it is hard, you will get through it. You will grow through it. You will find ways to see the joy in every difficult moment, even if it has to wait until that moment passed.

By creating space yesterday and giving myself a little over an hour to myself, I was “rested”. I put that in quotes because I was still tired, but I put enough in “my cup” to be able to pour into Aiden. I focused on us having a good evening and making sure to crosscheck for any variables that could contribute to a bad night. We walked from daycare which allowed both of us to decompress (even though he did not want to walk and initially fought me for it). En route, he mentioned being hungry so we ate as soon as we got in. I quickly learned that he just wanted a snack and preferred dinner to be later—an adjustment and that’s okay. Remember to be flexible with your terrible toddler. I switched it up and did some learning activities with him, shape, letter and number recognition. He was allowed some TV thereafter to watch Lilo and Stitch and then he played until bathtime. I resumed diffusing oils, but this time a specific “sleep” oil and not just lavender (although you most definitely found Dr. Teal’s Kids Lavender bath oil in his bath water). I chose books specific to “bedtime” and “sleep” hoping that he would get the picture. And then he put me out of his room because he was tired. #MomWin right? Of course the unexpected happened with the tornado warning jolting me out of my sleep and startling him because I turned on the TV to stay up to date. He ventured in my room a few times and finally I let him stay because both he and I needed comfort while I watched the storm. Nonetheless, it was a better night. I could see the light at the end of the tunnel. That’s what I want you to take away from this post. Motherhood is a joyous blessing that can still knock you on your ass, but you’ll be okay and get back up again.

As always, thank you for reading! Please like, comment on how you’ve overcome challenges in motherhood and share this post with another mama you know!

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