Finding the Right Therapist

Taking the step to start therapy is a big one. It requires a level of readiness and vulnerability to finally address your needs.  My overall goal is improved mental health and wellness for millennials of color.  We can only begin by talking about it.

I have been having increased conversation with friends and family members about therapy over the past few weeks and figured now would be a good time to revisit the discussion.  It’s Social Work Month, so here I am telling you to address you mental health!

The journey to finding the right therapist may not necessarily be an easy road.  Sometimes you have to dance around until you find the right fit, but once you do, you’ll be grateful you did. 

My personal journey to therapy was streamlined for the most part. I listened to the Therapy for Black Girls podcast for a few months and then took a look at the directory when I was finally ready. I chose a provider from the directory, scheduled a session and started attending therapy. I was excited. I felt it necessary to have a Black woman as my therapist because you know, I thought I needed someone who could understand each and every aspect of my experience, as a Black woman. No. I’ll tell you more about that in a minute. 

Here’s the thing, you can’t just choose any therapist. When someone is specialized in a certain area, whether it’s anxiety, relationships, mood disorders, etc.—believe them.  I shared my needs with the provider, letting her know that I was experiencing heightened stress, daily anxiety and low frustration tolerance, so she accepted me as a client despite her specialty being based in relationships.  The recommendations received during my sessions stemmed from reading The Five Love Languages to exploring my past relationships.  WHAT DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH ME EXPERIENCING ANXIETY EVERY DAMN DAY? Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

As someone who is mindfully aware of what is happening in my daily life and needing someone to talk to who is not family, I was frustrated knowing that my needs weren’t being met.  Not to mention, the bill was too high. She was a cash only provider, who did not accept insurance so it definitely hurt my pockets.  Because she was focused on relationships and not what I was expressing, I was frustrated. I discontinued sessions and just sat with my anxiety where it was.

That was over a year ago.

Here’s why my former therapist did not work for me, other than her focus and specialty not meeting my needs.  Hearing “sis” or “girl, I understand” in a session was annoying. I did not need someone to be overly relatable.  It’s distracting in a session. It didn’t bring me comfort, although that may have been the intent.  That may work for someone else, but not for someone who does this type of work full-time. There were too many assumptions being made about my lifestyle and experience that were incorrect. The countertransference was real.  Countertransference is when the therapist puts their feelings or emotions onto the client.  In my case, this looked like her focusing the sessions on what she felt I needed, rather than listening to what I was actually expressing. It also responded with her looking at the relationships involved in each problem I brought up during sessions, rather than us breaking down why each situation was so upsetting OR BETTER YET, why did it lead to anxiety?

So I stopped therapy after the 2nd or 3rd session because at that point paying out of pocket for that particular experience was not working for me.  Honestly, I took a break from therapy. I wasn’t feeling discouraged, although that could have been the outcome. Had I not been in the field myself, I might have been discouraged. Therapy is a process and once you understand and accept that fact, you will be better off.  Sometimes it is trial and error.  Think about it, sometimes you find a doctor and don’t like their bedside manner—what do you do then? Leave and find another one, right? Think about it that way.

As I resumed my search for the right therapist, I looked for a person of color. It wasn’t necessary to have to a woman or a black woman, but it was important for my therapist to be of color.  Who I landed on is an amazing Indian woman from the UK and I wouldn’t have it any other way.  She’s also a mother, so that is beyond helpful. When you look at the surface, it’s like okay she is a person who has had some experience with discrimination, prejudice, immigration and much more.

I can go on and on about this topic, but I’m hoping you get the point. 

Here are a few tips for finding the right therapist:

§  Do your research – Look at the types of therapist, their specialty (if they have one) and the types of therapy offered, which include individual therapy, group therapy, family therapy, and couples therapy. While you’re researching, think about what it is that you need

§  Look for experience – And what that experience looks like for you. If you have a specific issue you need help with, look for a therapist who specializes in that area. If you had a skin issue, you’d go to a dermatologist and not an ophthalmologist, right?

§  Ask for a consultation – You have to feel out the therapist to see if s/he will be a fit for you and vice versa. Ask questions about their training, approach, philosophy, types of clients they typically work with, etc.  After this conversation, make sure to assess how you are feeling and your level of comfort.

§  Check licensing and insurance – Most states have licensing requirements to provide clinical treatment (therapy). For instance, a Licensed Social Worker has to be under the supervision of a Licensed Clinical Social Worker to provide individual therapy in the state of New Jersey. Also, make sure that your therapist accepts your insurance, which leads me to my next point.

§  Start your search through your insurance – Ask your insurance for a list of therapy or behavioral health providers that are in-network within the 10-15 miles of where you live.

§  Don’t settle – Remember, if you don’t feel good about the connection with your therapist, it is okay. It can take 1, 2 or 3 tries to find the right person. You should continue your search until you feel you are understood and accepted. Signs that you may need to change your therapist include feeling uncomfortable, not feeling heard, or when your therapist talks more than listens or constantly gives advice or directives.

Taking the step to seek help for any problem is a huge. It takes a lot of courage to admit we can’t face our issues alone. Realized that it will take time. Remain open, honest, and willing to receive help.

Thank you for reading!

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Happy Millennial Reading!